Dry January Day 21 - What I Have Learned Since I Quit Drinking

It began innocently, as “one for the road” or some such nonsense, until it became normal behavior. I didn’t see it as a problem until it was ingrained. I didn’t know if I could live without alcohol.

Before I stopped drinking, I don’t think I realized how much our culture is infused with the promotion and consumption of alcoholic beverages. Unless you are a teetotaler, drinking seems like the norm….and it is. Looking back, I cannot recall many events that I attended where alcohol was not served or available, and I realize that I was always uncomfortable if I knew there would be no alcohol.

If I knew alcohol would not be available, I would have a couple of quick drinks before leaving for the event, or I would take alcohol with me, often concealed in some fashion, or I would do both and then drive to said event (and home again) after drinking. How did this happen? How did I get “That Bad”.

It began innocently, as “one for the road” or some such nonsense, until it became normal behavior. I didn’t see it as a problem until it was ingrained. And besides, “everyone else” was doing it (or were they?). How do these irresponsible things become normal? How could I put myself and the public at such risk?

I’m a physician who attended medical school from 1967 to 1971, followed by a 3-year residency in internal medicine. I was board-certified in IM and later in geriatrics. I did my residency at a University Hospital, which included training at a Veterans hospital, where I regularly saw patients with acute alcohol poisoning, alcohol withdrawal syndrome (especially DTs), and chronic end-stage liver disease with all of its ugly complications.

The irony for me is that I began binge drinking in medical school, which probably intensified during my brutal residency training (on duty for 36 hrs, off for 12 hours, and every other night spent in the hospital during the internship year). And that irony was lost on me as I poisoned my body while ignoring the possibility I might end up like those patients. Many of them (most, probably) were derelicts, jobless, down on their luck, living on the streets, and panhandling. They drank any kind of alcohol they could get, most being penniless. So they drank moonshine whiskey (mostly distilled using automobile radiators laced with lead, causing lead poisoning with associated peripheral neuropathy, encephalopathy, anemia, saturnine gout, and renal failure). Or they drank Aqua Velva, rubbing alcohol, denatured (ethyl) alcohol or strained Sterno to extract the alcohol. Many had alcohol-related gastritis, hemorrhage, and/or malnutrition.

The image of the derelict alcoholic is increasingly being supplanted by more affluent Americans and Europeans, as alcohol doesn’t care about your age or economic status. Whether your booze comes from the 7-Eleven or the top shelf of a five-star hotel bar, the brain and liver don’t care.

The thought that my drinking could lead me to be like my patients never once crossed my mind. We turn our heads, we turn a blind eye; we’re not like that…that could never happen to us. Or could it? It’s an insidious disease. It sneaks up on us until we don’t even know we’re hooked.

It took me years to go from an occasional binge to more frequent binges, to less frequent binges but more daily drinking, to heavier daily drinking. And never did I think there was a problem. Because I stopped getting hangovers when I stopped binging, and I never drank in the mornings, I never really embarrassed myself in public, and I never got a DUI. I didn’t have any confrontations from my family about my drinking. And I could give it up for Lent from time to time.

But after years of daily drinking, I did begin to question if I was drinking too much. When did I realize that I might have a problem? What caught my attention? Was it on those occasions when I knew I was slurring my words and trying so hard not to do it by talking much slower and in monosyllables, all the while slurring the words anyway? Was it when I realized I could not stay awake to see the end of a movie or even a one-hour TV program? Was there a hugely embarrassing moment? Not really, unless you count the Christmas (2020) with my children, their spouses, my granddaughter, and my ex-wife when I drank bourbon most of the day with my son-in-law and then passed out immediately after dinner (at least I had the “dignity” to make it to the bedroom before falling asleep in bed with clothes on)?

Was I THAT bad? For the longest time, I didn’t think so. Because, like a lot of Boomers, I was the typical high-functioning drinker. But I WAS that bad. I don’t have to compare myself with anyone else to know that I was being controlled by my drinking. I did not know it for a very long time, but all the signs were there if I had used my critical thinking skills and gotten out of denial.

If your problem is alcohol, how do you deal with it?

I knew I was in trouble when I admitted that I was drinking too much, but I was unable to stop longer than bedtime until the following day at 5 o’clock PM. When you swear off alcohol at night, vowing not to drink the following day, then decide by mid-afternoon that you weren’t that bad, you ARE that bad. And when you need help and believe AA or inpatient rehab are your only options, and you are unwilling to do either, where do you turn? Back to the bottle, of course. It was only by a stroke of luck that I learned about Boom and said, What have I got to lose?

Forty-five years ago, I was in group therapy with a psychiatrist because of panic attacks, and I learned of the power of interacting with and getting support from that group. But I never considered that as an option to manage my alcohol issues. The AA model’s twelve steps did not align with my beliefs, and I never felt like I needed to detox (and I didn’t). But Boom is group therapy and group support, and it has made all the difference.

I didn’t know if I could live without alcohol. Considering how much I enjoyed the drinking ritual and the buzzed feeling, I didn’t even know if I wanted to live without alcohol. I tried quitting multiple times. I learned that I could go days, weeks, and even a few months without alcohol before I felt it was safe to go back into the water. But every time I did, I ended up in the deep water, and I was not going to stay safe there. Only by trial and error, stopping and starting, going longer and longer free from alcohol, did I learn that I needed to stop negotiating with alcohol and cut the cord.

We talk about the sober rope on Boom, but there also is a tether to alcohol that we need to lose if we are to live alcohol-free. Until I was willing (and it is a choice) to cut that tether, it kept pulling me back into its clutches.

So what have I learned:

Alcohol is addictive

Alcohol is a liar

Alcohol is a danger to our mental and physical health

Alcohol is a controller

Alcohol promises happiness and delivers misery and heartache

Alcohol is a drain on our financial security

Alcohol is a danger to our family and relationships

Alcohol promises good times and delivers hangovers and angst

Alcohol is not your friend

Alcohol isn’t necessary to have a good time

I can be around people who are drinking and not care

I can be happy without alcohol

Alcohol is the great Imposter!

At nearly three years sober, I think quitting alcohol has been the best decision I have made in the last 25 years and perhaps longer. I have experienced life with mental clarity, and I have endured countless triggers without caving. And while I am very self-motivated to do this, I could not have gotten here without the kindness, thoughtfulness, and general support and accountability I have gotten from Boom.

If you are drinking too much, if you have tried to moderate over and over, if you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, stop negotiating with alcohol. Alcohol lies and robs us of self-respect, health, and money. Make a commitment to yourself to stop drinking. Do it in increments if necessary. Start with one day, one week, one month. Prove to yourself that you can do this because you can.

I don’t know what you’re supposed to feel like when you’re 80 I have a lot more living to do and I plan to do it without alcohol.

Want you to join me alcohol-free?

More by this author :

Do You Really Want to Stop Drinking?

How to Break Free From the CAGE of Gray Area Drinking

This post was adapted from a posts shared in our Boom Rethink the Drink community. If you’re drinking too much too often and want to stop or slow down, come join us at www.BoomRethinktheDrink.com. No courses, coaches, or fees. Just people from around the world inspiring and supporting each other 24/7. Private. Annonymous. Community. Period.